So here I am almost in February, where the hell did January go?!
I had an assessment for psychologic therapy last week and was hoping to be starting sessions soon, but they have decided that they think this is not a suitable option for me right now. To say i'm dissapointed is an understatement! I have been pinning my hopes on this for months now and I really believe it would help me to work through my difficulties with emotions. I don't allow myself to express negative emotions because I have a fear of losing control and hurting people. I think if I was allowed to explore my emotions in a "safe" situation then I might learn how to express myself in a more healthy manner.
I had a vist from my co-worker earlier this week and enquired if anger management classes were there for people like me. I know people who cannot control there anger and become agressive are helped by such courses, but I wondered if they could teach me to express anger. I have a fear of confrontation, and avoid it at all costs. This is not a healthy way to be. My co-worker informed me that they don't run such courses. I am at a loss. I feel trapped in a "non state".
My depression seems to be almost ever present, although I do have lighter moments my mood can change in an instant. I have not harmed myself for a few weeks now, although the desire to do so is still there. My thoughts of suicide are more that it would be nice to just not " be". It seems like it would be nice to not have to bother.
I did have a week or so where I was determined to be healthy and lose weight. But as usual I overdid the exercise and am still disgustingly fat!! And hungry most of the time.
Oh well... I am determined to enter the second month of 2011 with a more positive attitude and will endeavour to follow a "sensible" diet and exercise plan.
